Yes this is possibly the silliest Top 10 Strictly has ever put together, but Euro 2012 has been a fantastic tournament, and it’s a great excuse to have some fun and to speculate wildly.
This week we’ve set Strictly Editor David Hayter the task of finding eleven songs by English bands to represent England’s starting XI. It’s stupid, largely impossible, but it should be a laugh, so let’s give it a go.
Joe Hart is a cocky so and so. There’s no two ways about it. He may be a brilliant keeper, but his entire demeanor and his grin betray a cocksure swagger and incredulous sense of self-importance. Now Beady Eye and Oasis we’re a tempting choice, but Joe Hart is young, fresh, and on top right now, and the only band that really fits that description are Kasabian. “Empire” is suitably tub-thumping, and it perfectly captures the Leicester lads confidence, a brazen anthem that signaled the rise of a future festival headliner.
This was a really tricky selection. Glen Johnson is fast, exciting, and at one time was full of promise. He never quite made it to the top of his field, and is constantly found out of position, and even at his best can be a little all over the place. All this makes me think of Enter Shikari. They’re fast, unafraid to dive into any sound or area, sometimes they fall on their face with horribly crass music, and sometimes they come up with something quite extraordinary. Most of all, even this late in their career, they still divide opinion and have fans questioning their quality.
3. Ashley Cole – “Money (That’s What I Want)” by The Beatles
This was an easy one. When your nickname’s “Cashley” the song had to be money based, but beyond that Ashley Cole is arguably England’s best player, and the only player in our team who stands any chance of getting in a European best XI (well assuming we call Lahm a right back). So with that in mind, we’ve opted for Britain’s greatest band, covering a song that’s fantastically obsessed with cold hard dosh: “The Best Things In Life Are Free, But You Can Keep Them For The Birds And The Bees, Now Give Me Money”.
4. John Terry – “N.I.B” by Black Sabbath
Big imposing, slow, and powered by unrelenting passion (or whatever cliché is en vogue at the moment); John Terry is the stereotypical lumbering English centre back, and as such he deserves a very special, very heavy, and very one dimensional outfit. So why not Black Sabbath? Bulky, consistent, thunderously brutal and eternally consistent; “N.I.B” is actually about the devil, but if you play fast and loose with the lyrics, you can read it as a song about love, passion, and knowing who and what you are, and what your true purpose is. Perfect for England’s ever dedicated captain, plus seeing as JT likes to run off with team mates wives, we could easily twist the “my name is Lucifer, please take my hand” line to fit his narrative.
5. Joleon Lescott – “Always Like This” by Bombay Bicycle Club
This was a really tricky one, as Joleon Lescott doesn’t really have a defining characteristic or narrative. What the superb centre back has done is slowly climb his way up the ranks playing well at every level from Wolves through Everton finally to Man City. He’s still not the biggest star, but he’s worked his way to the top through hard work and consistent play, just like Bombay Bicycle Club. They don’t have the biggest singles, they don’t have the best albums, but they’ve continued to churn out high quality work in a charming unassuming fashion – reaching the top the old fashion way.
6. Scott Parker – “In The Belly Of A Shark” by Gallows
Scott is probably a little reserved and mild mannered for Gallows, but with their relentless gigging and earnest intensity captures so much of what makes Scott Parker great. There’s something very ordinary about Gallows and their tales of drunken lust and grinding normality, and yet through their intensity, and by giving it they’re all, they become something truly special. “In The Belly Of A Shark” for our purposes represents the tumultuous battle for midfield dominance, Scot will be running up and down all night, and Gallows won’t relent.